Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
