i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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