We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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