Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
