I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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