Betty ford says i'm here all night
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
