Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
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Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Sorry my hands just texted you
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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