Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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