I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Four minutes until I can fart!
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
