you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
