They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
