ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
