Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
