we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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