she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
