I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
