Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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