Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
