wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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