I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
