Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
