shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
