mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
