yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He called his prostate his "boner button".
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
