I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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