I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
