i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
