i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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