Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
