God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
