I'm going to rape someone's good day.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
