apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
