i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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