It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
