I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
