Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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