Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
