i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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