So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
