You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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