Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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