if you like me you must not know who I am
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
