I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
