Dual....:-)
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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