Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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