We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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