He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
