I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
