i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
