dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
