he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I touched a dick in church today
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
