apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
