You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
