So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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