dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
