remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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