would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
