Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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