just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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